Goodbye, Grandma

My grandmother passed away yesterday night (April 25, 2007). She was 87.

We had a long day of funeral ceremony today. I am a bit exhausted.

Khun Ya Jee+, Grandma's elder sister, made a remark today after seeing one of what could be the biggest family gathering in years that without a function such as this one, it would be unlikely that we all could be together at the same time.

Looking around, I couldn't agree with her more.

In the past few weeks, I have been visiting grandma often, trying to make
up for the years that I didn't have much chance to see her.



Although she was confined to the hospital bed, she was still in hight spirit.
My grandma has always been a woman of enormous energy. Throughout
her life time, it has been known that she would wake up at 4 every morning,
leaving home at 6 to work at her Foundation for the Orphanage.

With all her life dedicated to helping the underprivileged, today my grandma
has received her last group of guests from all walks of life who came to pay
their last respect the woman they knew so well.

I am proud of my grandma. I wish I had more time to learn more about her,
her work, her dreams, etc.

One thing I am confident, though, is her emphasis on being a wholesome person, dedicating yourself for a good cause, for what you believe in, for the society, for your country - - with gratefulness for your motherland, for your spiritual conviction, and, specifically to Thailand, for our beloved current Monarch and also in grateful remembrance to our past monarchs of the Kingdom that have kept Siam independent until this very day.

On my 14th birthday, my grandmother gave me a huge library-sized, hard-cover Oxford English Dictionary. On the cover, she kindly wrote, in Thai, "May you continue to keep your virtues like salt keeps its signature flavor."

That was such a remarkable blessing and food for thought that makes such a lasting impression on a 14-year-old. Every time I taste the saltiness of salt, it reminds me of what my grandmother's wise words. It makes me stop to investigate myself if I still live up to all the virtues that I should, or else I would not be worth my salt, so to speak.

But at last within the last year I was happy that I could make her proud of me. At least a little bit. I have won a national Japanese speech award and brought the trophy to show her. The topic of my award-winning speech? Her father and grandfather! Her father was the first Thai student to Japan while her grandfather was the second Thai Ambassador to Japan during the reign of King Rama the V.

She beamed when she saw the trophy and told me my great-grandpa would
have been proud because he, too, was known for his public-speaking skills!
I told her I don't think I'm anywhere as good as him (or her, for that matter!), but I think the Japanese judge like my story, that's all!

Also when she was in hospital this final time, I brought her the manuscript
of the book I plan to write. Yes, it is the continuing project from that fateful speech. She kindly gave me her blessings and encouraged me on the project. I was so happy to see her become lively and chatty and told me stories about her father and grandfather so that I could include them in the book.

The most heart-wrenching part came when dad told me the day before yesterday, when my sister and I went to visit her in ICU, that the last words she said to him before she slipped into coma and never spoke again was that I am a good girl, and that I'm going to write a book for our family. A "Katanyuu" girl. Something like that.

So, that was the last impression that my dad had of of his own mother. Imagine how he would feel now. My dad is a very sensitive type of person. Her passing away is very hard for him. I just hope he would cope well and pass through this stage with as little pain as he possible can manage.

Dad also told me, in his slow, deliberating manner, full of emotion, when my
grandma was still in coma, that he wanted me to do the best I can on the book project. Then he swallowed hard. He didn't finish his sentence. But I knew what he meant. I knew he was going to say that he wanted me to do the best I can for my grandma. I reassured him that I would. To the best of my ability, I told him firmly.

And I did mean that. Even if he didn't ask me. Even if grandma didn't give me the kind blessings when I went to visit her in the hospital and also wished me a prosperous and successful life in general. I didn't tell him about this. I would do it to the best of my ability anyway. The more I did my research, the more I do my mindfulness meditation, the more I live and learn more about life, the more I can see life's overall purpose.

And I must say that my grandma has lived an extraordinary life. She has shown me an example of what one should do--to live a purpose-driven life. Only now that I get it. This is how she got her legendary energy. She was fueled by a life full of purpose. A life dedicated to serve, to help other people, to think of one's needs last.




In the cold and unwelcoming ICU room, I held her warm hand gently on the last visit, whispering what would be my last words to her softly, "Grandma, I'm going to do the best for you."


Then, to my surprise, I felt her hand suddenly squeezed my hand and even lifted it up a bit. I jumped up from my stooping position and must have yelled out a little with some kind of pleasant surprise because my grandma has been totally still with no kind of response whatsoever for 3 days already since the last shock put her into coma.





Dad also saw the reflection and he was happy and he also massaging her feet which also didn't have any response for many days. It also gave reflexive response. My grandma made some more response that afternoon. I looked at her and wondered if she heard what I told her when she squeezed my hand back. At that time, as I held her hand and squeezed back softly, I held back my tears as I whispered to her, "I want to believe in miracles, Grandma. Please, come back to me. Please."

Thinking back, at that time, there was nothing else I wanted more in this world than to be able to hear her talking to me one more time, to be able to have any exchange with her, any exchange at all. Lord Buddha was so right, there is nothing more heart-wrenching than losing your beloved ones, especially your family members. And when that moment comes, you want to give anything you have, anything, just to have that person back again. But it is a losing battle and we have to face The Ultimate Truth of Life bravely and wisely.

I learned later that for people who has prolonged, critical illness might have some kind of last surge of fight for survival. I think that day was the day that my grandma made her last boost for survival. After that, I think we never saw her make a recovery again.

So, that was the story of my grandma, a great woman, an inspiration to
the whole clan. And perhaps to many people whose lives she has touched
also. She will always be remembered. And greatly missed. I have made a
promise to her which I would duly keep. I will make a progress on the book
everyday.

Rest in peace, grandma. The torch of virtues you lit would always remain
brightly shone. For some reason, I don't feel that you are gone. For there
will always a part of you that will always be with me. Modern scientific
world may call it the DNA that I inherit. Personally, I prefer to call it lovingly as your spirituality. Through this, we will always be connected.

I remember when I was much younger you used to say that you did all
this so that the future generation could follow path. I was way too young
to understand then. Now I think I do and I deeply appreciate what you did, grandma. You were right. I am following your path. And I will make you proud of me.

I love you, grandma. Thank you for being kind to me, and teaching me
so many of life's valuable lessons.

Respectfully,

Your Second Grandchild, Baby Bear (Grandpa's Little Sumo)



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On April 24, H.M. the King, through the Royal Bureau, graciously gave a basket of amenities to my grandmother at the hospital to wish her a recovery. On the same day, H.M. the Queen graciously gave my grandmother a flower arrangement in a vase.



On April 26, H.M. the King also graciously gave the Royal Wreath & Royal Soil
to be used in the funeral ceremony and the burial ceremony of my grandmother respectively.



Her Majesty the Queen's and Her Royal Highness Princess Maha Chakri Sirindhorn's Wreaths.

Our family is deeply grateful for this highest honor.